Next week I’m teaching an online class called Queer Quests. It’s completely different from what I usually teach. It is about finding joy in the coming years, possible though sexy kinky ways, possibly through completely vanilla ways. It’s open to anyone looking for joy; submissive, dominant, sex worker, or civilian. Even straights can join!
New Years Resolutions have always been difficult for me. The pressure to conform to the New Year! New You! is always tempting. I mean. Who doesn’t want to lose weight! Get in shape! Improve their sex life! Read more books! Etc. Etc. And like everyone, I start the year strong! Usually on January 2nd. Possible 3rd. But by the end of the month I’ve gone back to my regularly scheduled program and have forgotten my promise to myself. “Rules are for other people” I joke.
So I haven’t bothered with with one in years other then “Create More: Consume Less” followed by 12 months of doomscrolling.
This year is different. None of us can afford to spend time doomscrolling. We’ve been through this before. While we don’t know exactly what’s coming, we know it won’t be easy. The point is: WE’VE LIVED THROUGH THIS BEFORE. And we can do it again. This time, we will be prepared. Many of my friends fell into a deep depression at the beginning of November (myself included) and began planning to moderate their behavior, shrink, and hide for the next four years. It sucks, but this is where we are. This is our dystopian future. But remember:
Joy and pleasure, especially in dark times, are radical acts of rebellion
It’s true. Queer Rebellion isn’t just about huge political statements. It’s about quietly finding joy in your life. It’s about letting the haters work themselves into a froth while we quietly sip tea, wrapped in a warm blanket, and read a good book. It’s about them spreading misinformation while we create art.
Some of us will feel safe protesting, living larger, queerer, and weirder. Others of us will need to simply concentrate on our mental health in order to survive. Many will fall in between or oscillate wildly between the two extremes. Where ever you feel safest and happiest is where you belong.
Finding joy during this time will need to an active goal rather than something you wait for. Joy for many of us will be fleeting, and possible overlooked or dismissed when it does appear. Your search for joy will need to be a mindset you step into every day like a suit of armor. Let’s look at three ways to make this happen.
Joy Calisthenics
Part of finding joy is learning to recognize and appreciate it. Keeping a gratitude journal where you document one spark of joy you experienced each day is a cheesy, but effective way to do this. It doesn’t have to be a big grand event. Something cute your pet did. A flower. A twisted kinky meme. Hand written gratitude journals are always best. The act of writing something down always makes it more real to our overstimulated brain trying to survive in a digital world.
Role reversal
As kinksters, we’re all familiar with negative self-talk and how effective it can be. It has stopped us from doing things we desperately wanted to do and made us question our most treasured hopes and dreams until we turned our backs on them. It’s caused us to moderate ourselves almost out of existence, and even worse. So let’s flip the script and learn to conquer that negative voice. Don’t even let it start. Take your gratitude journal and flip it vertically. You now have a new blank book that will be your self-love mantra journal. Write a love letter to yourself in the form of several positive affirmations. Start with just a few because you will add to them all year long. Every time you hear that negative voice, reframe it and write it in your journal. You don’t have to truly believe it when you write it. But guess what, babe? It’s true! You just don’t know it yet.
And those positive mantras don’t need to be anything groundbreaking. Start simple. Just start.
- I’ve got this!
- I am a bad ass bitch!
- I am absolutely capable of this and more.
- I’m unstoppable.
Make a plan
This is where my class, Queer Quests, comes in. Quests are open-ended; you can’t fail, and there is no end goal. Get busy or fall into a deep depression about the state of the world? When you’re ready, your quest will be there, waiting for you to continue. A quest is a journey, and whenever we embark on a journey, we often take a break to rest before starting up again, refreshed and ready to go.
Quests are about exploring and finding joy. They are about formally declaring, “I’m going to spend the year researching and doing something for myself.” Not for work. Not to lose weight. Not because you feel like it’s something you should do. And not to make someone else happy. This one’s just for you, babe! Selfish as fuck, I know!
I will help you craft your quest into a plan, establish some quest rules, teach you how to document it, and possibly help you find someone to enjoy your quest with.
(and thanks to NeonXNightmares for that amazing photo in the header and the promo material!)