In an homage to David Letterman, here are the top ten misconceptions about Professional Dominatrix.
1. The people who hire pro dommes are powerful men cheating on their wives.
I’ve seen powerful men who were cheating on their wives. Sure. But I’ve also seen single broke queers that needed an outlet for their fantasies. I’ve seen people who had enough money to see me regularly, and others who had to save and plan. I’ve seen mostly cis men, but also single women, couples, and transfolk. The one commonality they had was that they sought out a professional they trusted with their fantasy.
2. Dominatrix are only interested in inflicting pain
Yay! Pain! It is true. Many of us are sadist and enjoy inflicting pain. On willing victims who have negotiated the type of pain the like and endure, consented to said pain, and most often have a safe word to call when the pain gets to be too much. We are also trained professionals who know how to get to the edge of what you think you can take for us, and pulling back.
But in addition to pain, we often like fetishes and taboo role-plays, bondage and teasing. So many games that can be played without negotiating your pain level. After all, BDSM is mostly in the mind and I for one, LOVE mind games. I can leave my mark where no one will ever see it.
3. It’s about sex
It really depends how you define SEX. Is it about sticking a penis in a vagina? Or is it something more? BDSM is about exploring the dark secrets in your brain created when you saw something as a kid, or read a story as a teen, or your ex-girlfriend did “that one thing” that you never stopped thinking about. Those fantasies are a unique mix of experiences and thoughts, mixed with societal shame. Professional dominatrix create a safe place to explore those fantasies. Compared to that, vanilla sex is just that. Vanilla. Some people like the sprinkles.
4. Dominatrixes are all man hating lesbians
The sexuality of the professional dominatrix I know are all over the place, but often they fall somewhere in the category of queer. But really. You are there to serve and entertain your dream Mistress and who she loves has no place in clouding your mind during play time unless she wants it to. Even the gayest of gay dominatrix love men, only as pets and playthings. And what more would you want to be?
5. Being submissive is humiliating
It can be. But it can also be incredibly freeing. To be seen and excepted as you truly are is a really empowering feeling. To open up about those little shameful secrets and have someone acknowledge and enjoy them with you is one of the most powerful, transformative feelings you will feel in your lifetime. Submission can include humiliation. But even that happens between two (or more!) consenting adults who have negotiated what they feel is sexy-humiliating and what is just hurtful.
6. The best Mistress is the prettiest Mistress
Maybe. What you find pretty might not be what I find pretty. And even if she is the most beautiful women on the planet, if she isn’t well versed in your fetish, safety concerns and ethical, she’s not the best. Because BDSM is so mental, if you connect on that level first, you may find yourself worshiping someone you wouldn’t have given a second glance on the street.
7. It’s all about the fetish wear
If you have a fetish for an item, shoes, latex, leather, garters, then yes – it’s all about the fetish wear. But especially in this case, the clothes don’t make the women, the women makes the clothes. I tend to do a lot of sessions in vintage slips, because those they feel sexy and give me room to move. Not that I don’t often wear fetishwear. It depends on my mood and what the activities are going to be. I have a PVC dress that I look amazing in, but it doesn’t give me the range of motion I need when spanking or whipping. Corsets make me feel SO very sexy, but again, there are certain activities that they are not conducive to.
But again, it’s all about the mental game. I once had the ass on my favorite pair of jeans rip out as I was leaving lunch with a client and I was not wearing my prettiest panties. I still felt completely dominant as I demanded he stand outside of Old Navy, the nearest department store, holding my Victoria’s Secret shopping to await my return. Fetish wear is great, but when the mental game is in play, I could be in my favorite onsie and you would still fall to your knees.
8. Dominatrix have no other job prospects
People start working as a sex worker for a wide variety of reasons. Some do it because it is way more fun than the menial labor low paying jobs available to them. Others because they need shorter in person hours to accommodate for raising kids or medical limitations. Some are supporting themselves while attending college. And some, like me, have several other options, but 40-50 hours in an office would kill me dead with the boredom. Sex work is work and this is the work we choose.
9. Dating a dominatrix is all fun and games
And free play all the time! Right? Oh, how I wish the partners of pro doms would start a group blog and talk about the weirdness they endure.
It’s all fun and games having a bunch of her hot friends come over and ask you to make they cocktails is all fun and games until you realize the reality is they are will spend the entire time talking about the business side of being a pro dom and complaining about certain client behaviors. It’s about knowing not to open the bag with the stinky workout shoes. It’s about walking in on a phone session where she’s talking about something that freaks you out and leaves you feeling a little weird knowing she’s so knowledgeable and even… gleeful about it. It’s about trying to figure out what to do with all the extra dildos when you move. Or finding out your coworker saw her as a client.
The partners of pro doms are special people and they do NOT have an easy lot in life.
And the number one myth I would like to dispel about Professional Domination is…
10. Only in it for the money
Professional Domination is a business. We have income. We have expenses. We receive gifts and monthly tithe. OK. Our business model is a little different. But it is a business nonetheless. We not only need to be very good at what we do, we need to excel at marketing, business plans, branding, networking, and ALL the things that anyone in business does. Except most of the tools other businesses have available to them are not available to us. Want to start a mailing list? Mailchimp and all the others will shut down adult content. Better learn how to set up a mail server. Want to accept credit cards? Be prepared to pay a large yearly fee as well as a much higher percentage then non-sexwork businesses. Want to advertise on social media? Not an option.
I have been in the scene for over 25 years and I am still learning, from friends when I session with them, as well as taking classes about kinks I want to learn more about. And occasionally, I have to learn about things out of necessity. When Covid hit I spend HOURS reading not only everything the CDC recommended, but what other countries, and organizations were recommending as well to make sure my space and the people who play there are as safe as possible.
So sure. I only do it for the money. That I receive for doing the work that I love. I hope you love your job as much as I love mine.
This post is part of the FemDom Society Bloghop. Every couple of months several amazing FemDoms and ThemDoms write about a topic. This time it’s about rules, etiquette and tips for meeting with a professional dominatrix in person. Last time we all wrote about our views on what it is to be FemDom.
If you have a FemDom blog or journal and would like to join us, let me know!